Why Scheduling Sex Is A Crucial Habit For Your Business

No, the title of this blog post is not a mis-print.  I actually schedule sex with my wife each week.  Twice to be exact.

Why in the world am I revealing this intimate knowledge to you and why should you care?

Because your personal relationship with your partner is remarkably similar to your mortgage business.

For my wife and I and for most couples, sex = intimacy.  And intimacy is a crucial pillar of any personal relationship.  Without intimacy, you and your partner are mere roommates. Without intimacy, the relationship crumbles.

So I take responsibility for it and make sure intimacy actually happens by scheduling it twice a week.

The result?  Well, we’re 11 years into our union together and I can honestly say that our relationship is as healthy and stimulating as it has ever been.  Perhaps even more so than before we had our 2 children.

And we work our asses off on our marriage. 

We know that if we neglect intimacy in our marriage, we will eventually go from partners to roommates, which will probably lead down the path of separation to divorce.

Your business isn’t really any different.  Neglect intimacy in your professional relationships and your referral partners will eventually “divorce” you and go with someone else.  You’ve got to make it about more than the transaction!

The Truth About Sex

In my experience most people in relationships expect intimacy to occur on its own.  They think that sex or intimacy is going to just happen spontaneously all the time.

Then weeks, months and even years go by and they find themselves literally uncomfortable even talking about it with their partner.  Resentment and embarrassment builds and next thing you know somebody says they’re not happy and they want out.

Without intimacy, a relationship will wither and eventually die.

You’ve got to take responsibility for it.  You’ve got to have the uncomfortable conversations because they eventually lead to being comfortable and get you back on the path to intimacy.

Like everyone else in the world, my wife and I lead very busy lives.  If we didn’t schedule our two date nights each week – our Saturday date night is out of the house and Wednesday is our “at home” date night – they simply wouldn’t happen.

Scheduling our date nights and subsequent intimacy is our way of taking responsibility for the health of our relationship.

You need to take the same responsibility for your business development by developing “business” intimacy with your referral partners.

How To Cultivate “Business” Intimacy

Intimacy in your personal relationship is a great mirror for your business relationships.

Most loan originators think that just by being in the business they’re going to get referrals from realtors and other referral sources.  Furthermore, most think that by prospecting realtors that in and of itself will lead to referrals.

Not true!

You have to be strategic because realtors are getting hit up by a lot of loan originators right now as refis dry up.

You have to take responsibility for developing “business intimacy” with your referral partners.  You have to make it about more than the transaction.


I teach all of my clients to execute the 4 x 4 strategic referral source follow up system.

In a nutshell, there are 4 weeks in a month and 4 ways to communicate: email, physical mail, phone, face to face.  Execute a different communication method with each referral partner every single week for the rest of your career.

Keep in mind, this is outside the deal communication.  You may start out talking about business, but ultimately you want to talk about personal things.

And you have to treat this communication like any other appointment.  Give it the attention it deserves, just like you should give intimacy in your personal relationship.

You have to schedule it.  Block out 1 – 2 hours a week to execute this follow up communication with your referral sources and you will transform your business. In short, you need to work your “business development” a$$ off – and you need to do it for the rest of your career.  It’s got to just become a way of life.

Get REAL With Your Referral Partners

“Business” intimacy is about cultivating a friendship beyond the transaction. This happens through multiple face to face opportunities.  That’s why the 4 x 4 follow up plan is so important and so effective.

Once you get together with you referral partner, ask more questions.  Go deeper.  Reveal yourself.  Here are some examples:

  • So, how long have been married?  How old are your kids?  What are your kids doing now that they’re grown and on their own?  What is the secret to staying happily married?
  • What’s your exit strategy?  How long do you plan on practicing real estate for?  What does retirement look like?
  • Do you own rental property?  Have you ever flipped houses?  What’s your feeling about building a rental portfolio for long-term cash flow?  What do you invest in?
  • What do you do outside the business?  How do you spend your time?  What are your hobbies?  Are you politically active?
  • What does your ideal day look like?
  • What are your goals?

As the old saying goes, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Show you care by bringing real, authentic curiousity and friendship to your business relationships.  Do it, and you’ll find you’ll capture more business from more partners than ever before.


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